A couple of weeks ago I had someone request that I write a post about what boundaries my wife and I have set up in our marriage, specifically to protect each other. At first, I just assumed that we were like every other Christian couple in this, but then I thought of the marriages that I have observed of the years and so I thought I would make a list. Please feel free to add to the list and also know that my wife and I do not think we have somehow "arrived" in the battle against sin or fighting temptation. Here are a few thoughts...I pray they are helpful.
1. We will not ride alone in a car with a person of the opposite sex. Okay, yes, I will ride alone with my mom, but you know what I mean. I heard Dr. Daniel Akin say to a bunch of pastors, "You will never have an affair if you are never alone with another woman." I thought that was a pretty good safe-guard. Akin also said that he prayed that the Lord would "Take him out" before he ever did that as well. Which is another interesting thought.
2. We will not counsel someone of the opposite sex behind closed doors
3. I copy my wife on e-mails to women
4. I tell my wife about conversations that I have with women over the phone. I lead a care group for our college ministry, so occasionally a college girl will call to speak with me. I try to not be on the phone long and direct all counseling to my bride.
5. I have a weekly accountability meeting with a friend who is willing to ask me any hard questions. My wife walks with a close friend 2 to 3 days a week, so she also has regular accountability.
6. When watching TV or a movie, my wife will say "keep looking at me" to warn me against an inappropriate image on the screen. My wife will also do this if we are walking at the mall or near any Victoria's Secret. It is so helpful.
7. I get ESPN magazine and I really enjoy a lot of the articles, but I always allow my wife to go through it with a "sharpie" before I look at it. She will draw clothes on ladies and sometimes some pretty funny pictures on the faces of once seductive ads.
8. My wife and I will communicate with each other if we get an uncomfortable feeling about someone of the opposite sex. I remember a college girl who wanted to work in the youth ministry years ago and I just thought there was something odd about her. I could not put my finger on it, but she scared me a bit because she seemed like she was a bit needy for male attention. I told my wife about this and I felt God's grace in talking with her about it. The college girl did not last long in our church and I was suspicious of why she fled so quickly. I don't want to be uncharitable, but I do want to guard my wife, myself, and our marriage.
9. I try to not get on the internet at my home unless someone else in my family is around. I know that temptations are greater when you are in secret. I also talk about my internet use to my wife. I don't want to fall into the downward spiral of pornography. It is a deadly poison.
Please understand that this list is what works for our marriage. I do not want to be simplistic and say that all men everywhere are the same as me...so find what works for your marriage. Be open to conversations about temptation and seek to flee temptation. Our spouses are gifts from God to help us battle temptation...let them help protect the relationship. It will only enhance the gift God has given you...your marriage!
1. We will not ride alone in a car with a person of the opposite sex. Okay, yes, I will ride alone with my mom, but you know what I mean. I heard Dr. Daniel Akin say to a bunch of pastors, "You will never have an affair if you are never alone with another woman." I thought that was a pretty good safe-guard. Akin also said that he prayed that the Lord would "Take him out" before he ever did that as well. Which is another interesting thought.
2. We will not counsel someone of the opposite sex behind closed doors
3. I copy my wife on e-mails to women
4. I tell my wife about conversations that I have with women over the phone. I lead a care group for our college ministry, so occasionally a college girl will call to speak with me. I try to not be on the phone long and direct all counseling to my bride.
5. I have a weekly accountability meeting with a friend who is willing to ask me any hard questions. My wife walks with a close friend 2 to 3 days a week, so she also has regular accountability.
6. When watching TV or a movie, my wife will say "keep looking at me" to warn me against an inappropriate image on the screen. My wife will also do this if we are walking at the mall or near any Victoria's Secret. It is so helpful.
7. I get ESPN magazine and I really enjoy a lot of the articles, but I always allow my wife to go through it with a "sharpie" before I look at it. She will draw clothes on ladies and sometimes some pretty funny pictures on the faces of once seductive ads.
8. My wife and I will communicate with each other if we get an uncomfortable feeling about someone of the opposite sex. I remember a college girl who wanted to work in the youth ministry years ago and I just thought there was something odd about her. I could not put my finger on it, but she scared me a bit because she seemed like she was a bit needy for male attention. I told my wife about this and I felt God's grace in talking with her about it. The college girl did not last long in our church and I was suspicious of why she fled so quickly. I don't want to be uncharitable, but I do want to guard my wife, myself, and our marriage.
9. I try to not get on the internet at my home unless someone else in my family is around. I know that temptations are greater when you are in secret. I also talk about my internet use to my wife. I don't want to fall into the downward spiral of pornography. It is a deadly poison.
Please understand that this list is what works for our marriage. I do not want to be simplistic and say that all men everywhere are the same as me...so find what works for your marriage. Be open to conversations about temptation and seek to flee temptation. Our spouses are gifts from God to help us battle temptation...let them help protect the relationship. It will only enhance the gift God has given you...your marriage!
2 comments:
I agree that it is important to set boundaries to safeguard, the other people involved and the church.
However, I am also concerned that in avoiding one set of potential problems you are placing yourselves at risk of others.
For example if you are employed by the Church and your wife is not then there are confidentiality issues here.
I have experience of situations where there was no confidentiality kept between a minister and their spouse. As only one of them is trained and under the discipline of the Church it created numerous pastoral problems within the Church.
I do believe that it is important that people can speak to a minister and know that it is confidential.
I think it is important that a minister have proper supervision, but that should not be related to their spouse.
Oh and by the way there is also need to safeguard against inappropriate same sex issues which these quidelines do not address.
Thanks for mentioning these. We have similar safe guards... but it was good to hear them affirmed.
We use an internet filter. Not perfect, but better than not having one. I suggest BSafe if you have a PC or Safe eyes if you have a Mac.
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