Sitting across my desk from a married couple can be a joyful experience or a grievous one. Many couples who desire counsel regarding their marriage see the sin of their spouse very clearly, but are oblivious to their own sinful issues...or at least see them as secondary.
My default mode is to go to the guy. I figure that if the husband was doing his job in leading the family and was sacrificially loving his wife, he would have already been dealing with the problem months and years prior. I think if the husband can see God's plan to change his own heart (and attitudes and actions) then the wife will learn to follow this model of biblical change.
Now, I don't believe 100% of the problems in a marriage are the husbands, but I think this is the biblical place to start. I think this is one of the biblical burdens that falls on the guy. Is he "loving his wife as Christ loved the church" (Eph. 5:25)? Is he, "living with his wife in an understanding way" and "honoring her" (1 Peter 3:7)?
Guys, welcome to leadership...the husband gets commended when it is going well and he gets the heat when it is not. A happy, holy wife is a wonderful endeavor for a husband. A husband must learn to keep the pulse of how his wife is doing (spiritually, emotionally, physically) and if it has gotten to the point that they are in my office for marriage counseling and he is pointing the finger at her...he is in need of some biblical adjustment.
[Men, if you are in marriage counseling and you realize you are not romancing your wife very well, here is a good jewelry site to check out! It’s pretty cool because they can even help you custom design jewelry especially for your bride. I know different ladies like different types of jewelry, so this site may be helpful find those diamonds or romantic gifts.]
9 comments:
A happy, holy wife is a wonderful endeavor for a husband
Wives are not children, nor do they need to be lead. According to Ephesians 5:20 and 21, and Proverbs concerning what has been labeled the "Proverbs Wife" mutual. I'm sorry but it's statements like this that are frustrating, and why many women are incapable, childlike in their behavior, and when the spouse dies or leaves, finds it hard to pick up and carry on.
The strongest Christian women I know are those where both husband and wife have a successful marriage, spiritual life, together and encourage each other to grow in both their strengths and their faith. I am fortunate to be married to such a partner.
Okay, why follow the feminist model in counselling? Shouldn't it be Biblical? If the wife is sleeping around with men - or women - , neglecting the children, and shooting up drugs, do you still go after the man?
Just wondering. That's kind of harsh, but really? What would you do?
Mrs. Webfoot
Mrs. Webfoot,
I don't think it is the "feminist model in counseling" to have the guy take the questions...first. That does not mean you don't get to other issues, but if he is the leader of the home, you first go to the leader.
In the scenerios you gave I think you would quickly go to the wife and speak to her issues as well. I'm just saying that I go to him first. I would want to know why she is sleeping around, etc. The majority of the team (not always) the there is a breakdown in the marriage relationship for a wife to begin sleeping around and doing other behavior that would harm the husband and children. I would seek to get to the root of why the marriage is going down a bad road. It probably has to do with the husband and the wife. At least, I would ask the questions and see.
I hope that helps, but if not, please feel free to write again.
God bless,
mike
Debbie,
I'm not sure why it is a problem for a man to seek to satisfy his wife and that she would be both satified in their marriage (happy) and satisfied in the Lord (holy). I'm not seeking to offend anyone with this language.
I think it is good and bibilical endeavor for a husband.
God bless,
mike
Dear Mike,
I hear what you are saying.
Let me say this, and if you wish to respond, that's fine. If not, that's fine, too. No problem.
The Bible teaches that each one is responsible for his or her own actions. God did not allow Adam to blame Eve for his own behavior, nor did He allow Eve to blame the serpent. They all got kicked out of the garden.
I guess I believe strongly in personal responsibility. That is, each one facing up to his or her own need, his or her own sins and failings.
Of course, you as a man are at a disadvantage when counseling women.
Why did I say feminist? There are many feminists who blame men for everything. Haven't you heard?
:-)
Anyway...
Thank you for taking the time to respond. That was very kind of you.
God bless,
Mrs. Webfoot
PS
Debbie, I have to disagree with you about how women do when they lose their husbands. Most do very well. It is men that don't do well when they lose their wives.
Mrs. Webfoot,
Your thoughts on personal responsibility are very good. I agree with you that each give an account to God for their own actions.
I am just saying that if the guy is leading the way he should (loving, caring, sacrificing) many of the marriage counseling sessions would never need to happen. Obviously, this is not always the case, but it is a starting point.
Thanks for your interaction.
God bless,
mike
Hi, again, Mike,
Thank you for your response. Yes, in a way, "the buck stops here" applies to the marriage relationship. The husband is the head of his wife. That is, he has the higher rank and in that sense, the greater responsibility.
However, his wife's rebellion is not his fault. Her actions are her own fault. She can't blame the devil. She can't blame her husband. She can't blame the kids if she rebells.
The same with a husband.
So, what do you mean? How is a husband responsible? How is it his "fault"?
A husband may do everything right, and still have a marriage failure. Will you blame him, even if it is his wife's fault that the marriage broke down?
I guess what I mean is that the offending partner is the one who is at fault. This can be the husband, the wife, or both.
Well, I'm going to start annoying you if I keep beating the same drum, but I do thank you for your response.
In a lot of situations, I think that you may be right. However, I don't agree with the kind of blanket statement about it being "his fault."
Anyway, I should say that I like your blog. It is a very nice place. You have a heart for people and a heart for God, and it shows. So, why am I picking on you? :-)
God bless,
Mrs. Webfoot
Mrs. Webfoot,
Sorry for not responding sooner. I've been traveling and when I get back from traveling, my blog takes a back seat to family and pastoring.
I do see what your saying...I think you are right. It would probably be better said, "It's His Responsibility"...because in a sense, the husband is responsible to help the wife if she is the one is sin, even if he is not...and if he IS in sin, it is his responsibility to repent of his sin and ask his wife's forgiveness.
Thanks for your comments.
God bless,
mike
It's comforting seeing your blog, I am also a member in a Sovereign Grace church. I hope you post again soon.
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